AN EVENING IN THE PARK (Story of an agoraphobic) know what THAT is agoraphobia?
The agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder which is the fear of places where you can not help, for fear of a panic attack.
Agoraphobia is fear of fear. Agoraphobics fear situations that can cause a state of anxiety, fear and arousal own thoughts on the consequences of experiencing them, like the idea of \u200b\u200bdying.
some years I have been suffering agoraphobia cyclically. Now I feel better and that is why I decided to translate this story in case I experience can be helpful to anyone.
is long, so I guess I do not have too much audience, but you know my theory: looking for the QUALITY of my readers and not the QUANTITY. I hope that pleases you who decides to read to the end.
A kiss.
Alicia.
Today February 17, 2010, at 5 and a half ago, I made out alone once again.
was time to open the door that led outside, but I've been noticing the cold quiet caressing my face.
I walked, at first course, inventing stories that made me laugh, not thinking where he went or how I was ...
was more relaxed than usual. Walking and talking to myself that wonderful feeling!
After fifteen minutes I have gone to the Library, one of the places that I like my neighborhood and there I had the opportunity to browse among the books, films investigate what had brought ... what new funds were arrived in my absence of months.
Books, my dear friends ... true friends are part of my life, so much so that I have never been able to throw away even one of them ..., even little old or worn out is ...
I love since my father taught me to read the 3 years but did not learn in books but in the daily press.
I see Mr. Destiny, who had decided what I should be more ... and so, finally, I've allowed to be !
At least I have the consolation that, although later the wind would carry my dreams as a journalist, let me muse, so he could use the word when wanted, as I do today.
I had a moment of weakness, I felt dizzy from the shelves, I noticed a strange sensation, as if the light was diminished in my view.
I've been about to draw on another pill ... but I managed to avoid it, but felt the heartbeat triggered and that kind of dizziness that I hate both.
I tried not to think about it and I focused on to gain strength before the loan documents I wanted to take.
Specifically, this time there have been four, things that interest me:
A book, "The Lady of Duwusib · Eduardo Garrigues
DVD And three, namely:
"Daddy Nostalgie" by Bertrand Tavernier
"La Calle de las Rosas" by Margarethe Von Trotta
And finally "The Mann (The novel of a century), which is definitely a miniseries with the biography, in 3 discs, the Nobel Prize for Literature Thomas Mann.
By the way I took the opportunity to greet one of the librarians, a very nice girl, which had long without seeing, and that had not returned to the library, since before the summer. The girl, as nice as ever even asked me if I had no desire to visit ...
I can bear ... Library ... my particular vice!
[Fortunately, during the months I spent in Guadarrama, accompanying my parents and running away from heat and painting the walls of my house (mainly because strong odors often cause respiratory allergies) I was able to enjoy the small picturesque village Municipal Library, which not nothing was missing ... had ... to wireless. I have not enjoyed walking there, reading newspapers, answering emails on my laptop and especially taking books How many books have I read this summer since I took the card reader at the end of July? 15, 20, I think more in two months, and tiny blooms by the way ...]
Following down the stairs on the first floor, before heading to the exit door I visited a small exhibition of painting that was there. I liked it! though still unwell ...
had passed half an hour since I left home.
- Well, what do I do now?
- Am I to take refuge in my four walls, or continuous?
I choose to continue my walk ...
I climbed the hill leading to the park and every time I've been feeling better.
I felt the air in the face and regained normal breathing. The beats were slower. Sweat less intense ...
- Alicia Animo not get you down!. A little further and you have arrived!, I kept telling myself mentally.
(agoraphobics, - or at least I need a goal, a specific place in which to land, I guess it must be to control the space and do not realize how big that is all around us ...)
was already in the park in the same park where I was so happy just over a month, the day snow, the last time I had left home alone, except the last week, which helped by the nostalgia and the need to see my dearest friend and supporting my husband and my daughter encouraged me so much, I managed to get my closure quiet and spend a wonderful evening.
Guadarrama, last summer 2009, contact with nature, I alone with my camera by myself in the Municipal Library .... They also worked the miracle .... they can be autonomous, without relying on my poor little family crutches!, although my parents were always with the fly behind the ear as it took a bit ...]
In mid-October, after the People's Party, returned to Madrid. I joined back to my house with my children and especially with my husband which I had never previously separated for so long. (I must say that we met every week, although he returned to Madrid to continue his Chapucillas ¨ ° while I was enjoying the mountain summer arrives and my parents company)
A few weeks later decided to go to Benidorm, to recover our society.
The sea has a special influence for me. Sometimes I think that in my previous life I had to do something with it.
In good time, whenever we can, we stayed in a hotel that is right on the beach to see the sea from the terrace ... which pretty right?
But in reality, the most important reason and less poetic is that in this way, feeling that help is close by (Angel Mario) I can lose one to the beach (especially in the evenings, when my hubby, "who does not like batter in the sand as much as my-prefers a nap or watching TV, reading, playing console or what is third. ... but always comfortably lodged in the room).
use the time I prefer my way: walking along the shore as poetry that was never invented writing, lying on the sand listening to music and especially watching the rolling waves ....
But before going down ... a ritual amount. My mother!.
Angel Mario
review that took me all that is necessary for my survival for as long as I remain "outside" the room
Do you carry water? "For if I have thirst.
Does hat? "For if I get too much sun.
Does mat? "So if I want to be tumbadita-
Does radio? "To entertain and I think not.
Does bathing cap and goggles? -On if before I decide to pass up the hotel's spa to give me a dip.
Does towel? - to dry after the swim.
Does any newspaper or magazine? "So follow me entertained if I have enough with the radio.
Does the card room? "In case I vover and he is asleep and not hear me.
"... ... ... ...? And so a lot of things.
Previously, of course, do you turn on your phone and I was under, of course mine "just in case" . Finally, when I have all I go out and Angel Mario says goodbye to the little hand (literally) from the terrace, where he continues without moving until I see located in a suitable place in the beach .... After all this the poor man at last check, "and free of my presence, napping or entertaining as he wants at that time.
time and was passed in December, holiday shopping and all the preparations.
Common things or were not surprising, for example everything related to the actual arrangement of the holidays, or with gifts of our children and other family, we bought together and so I could enjoy the bright lights of the city.
Also, since I came back the people I decided that I will try to enjoy as much as possible of the cultural life of our city and I even managed to convince Angel Mario so, what is not takes to recognize that maybe I spent a little bit and finally we had the highly charged agenda of activities.
In short, last December I have not had a minute to be bored, because they spent as a continuous flow around Madrid, with visits to the cinema, theater, musical and conventional no longer shows how much I personally ordered book (of course without leaving home.)
As unusual purchases, such our respective gifts , each separately and have acted according to our possibilities:
Angel Mario, always in the car, making numerous visits to the stores.
Meanwhile, I also visited shops ... virtual, online, to buy their gifts.
is true that two years I've been buying over the Internet (for him) ... so I bring home what I want and I have to leave.
The advantage is that is comfortable and quite reliable.
What I hate is buying at a distance from necessity. I would do in any case for pleasure or pure laziness.
[Anyway, I thought that early retirement would be to me as "the balm of Gilead "cure everything. However, over the months, I have to admit I need more than time and give me money for doing nothing ... I focused my hopes on the new situation especially considering it could be with my husband all day, go out with him, traveling with him, well .... all with him. However, time has given me another lesson: All humans need a little time and space to be alone, to talk to ourselves or others. A relationship can not be based on spending 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, stuck / or your partner ...
However, a problem for me relate because although I have friends @ s, I feel more secure within the walls of my house, where I'm comfortable with my computer, my stuff ... So when my husband goes to take a walk, to buy something and I'm alone, I am aware of the isolation that I submitted my mind and that to leave my place of work (which incidentally I am delighted, as it has many more advantages than disadvantages), and where timely and had to attend mandatory, "with or without dizziness, he never had a sick leave, partly because I had set myself the obligation to not miss work," I completely lost autonomy and personal relationship that I assumed that environment .... ]
The January 11, 2010 in Madrid fell a great snow and that day I was particularly animated.
At 5 pm, I took my camera (well actually the Angel Mario is fantastic) and I enjoyed a girl taking pictures in the park. I photograph everything, the trees with white branches ...; children sliding down the artificial mountains, riding on makeshift cardboard sleds ...; The curious, shielded by their anoraks and hats these mountains here in Madrid, we almost never use ..., playing with her dogs owners in the white landscape ..., parents and children ... pulling tight flakes; the frozen pond ..., A lone bank ..., the grass green and timid poking through the snow .... And so much more ...!
I did not stop barely. He kept walking while captured images. I walked away from my world, the four walls that protected me. I wanted to go further, further ... I was not thinking anything. Even that was very cold. His hands and the tip of the nose frozen, but was immensely HAPPY ...
And as he walked steadily continued taking pictures, I wanted to take it all home and show it to my .
I got almost to the end Park, walk across the snow and I found a lone snow doll and wanting someone to greet. I was surprised to see him and, like a child, I stopped to speak briefly to him.
And I said But man! What are you doing here? What cutest little thing!.
I had away from home much, so soon after I to overcome the temptation to stay there for hours, contemplating this landscape and I retraced my steps, not wanting to leave the footprints of my boots in snowy areas that, until I came along, nobody had even stepped on, that later.
was getting dark but the glow given off by the white snow was wonderful. The light from the streetlights reflected in the frozen pond. People began to leave, but I felt like I was in paradise.
had to go home!. Everyone would be worried about me, because I had said a moment and went right back and I had been more than two hours away.
Out and enjoy ever ...
I climbed the stairs of the park and walked to the edge of roadway. How beautiful everything was, my God I was lonely at all. It was like something divine was beside me, protecting me constantly on my ride.
In the village I found a large piece of snow without blemish and with the help of my finger only draw .... A heart and arrow through each end and lovingly traced our initial "A" and "AM", "Alicia and Angel Mario, as he often did when we were almost teenagers.
Then I wanted to immortalize that moment and took a picture. It was dark, I had just battery and flash the camera failed several times, eventually I managed to do it and if does not look too good, it means a lot to me and also for my husband and he was thrilled when, later, I showed.
walking home I kept thinking of different and magical evening had happened and I safe because his knee failed to climb the stairs of my block and I finally fell on one leg, all I can say that I spent unforgettable hours.
I got into the elevator and the short drive up to my floor, I look in the mirror, my face flushed with a cold so intense that despite wearing a thick scarf and hat, I had penetrated to the bone.
However, despite the cold and that was hobbled by the blow he had given me when I opened the front door, a smile ran my face from ear to ear.
Where were you honey? I asked Angel Mario. We were worried! But once they saw my face of happiness and understood everything.
What I did then as I take off the parka and all contaminated clothing, was proud to teach all the 300 photos I had done .... And I did nothing because I ran out of battery ....!
From that day there was no step on the road again but accompanied. Until today, that as I said after leaving the library I'm back to my park, which, although it is not snow, is precious.
I enjoy walking around in his ways, looking at the naked trees, and the green of the pines.
I approached the pond and saw the water out of the suppliers of the source .... How beautiful was everything!
I have sat on the edge of the pond to meditate a while. I felt the wetness of water through my green anorak. But it was cold!
Then I looked in my bag and I got a red lollipop, as he ate as a child.
had given me the day I was seeing in the theater musical "The Wizard of Oz" and there was today, ready to be enjoyed by Alice in Wonderland, girl who is in me.
I removed the wrapping paper and have gotten me in the mouth slowly, savoring for a couple of minutes without thinking about anything ... more.
Later, as happened on the snow, I come to realize that I had to go home. Angel Mario would be worried!
When I left he was not because I had things to do to be this morning and could not keep a record of the time I had been away, but told him that maybe I walked a while in the Library ... and he, as always, gave me all kinds recommendations above all that you do not forget the keys!
take me the keys was the main thing for him was essential to make me feel safe. For I knew that if I finally ventured out, could return home and enter at any time ...
But since that conversation had passed several hours. So, I have traveled the road back quickly, without even having to use the mobile to terminate! . Mobile, of course, on many occasions, I came "off" .... To reach me ...! Right?
This time, not limping out of the elevator, as the day it snowed. Today was still wearing the red lollipop stick between your teeth. In the elevator I looked at the language and I was pleased to see red , as red as when I was little and ate red lollipops ... and I smiled back.
I opened the door with my keys.
My husband heard me and told me come from afar
- How are you darling?
There was concern in his face because in my haste to get out before it became too late, I left a box on the bed of the table, cluttered with things inside and on the computer desk a few photos of our youth, all extended and look somewhat chaotic.
regret the oversight because I never thought it would affect something so simple. The pictures were there but just because I was trying to find any sign of the past that he could share with a friend ... (with a friend who, incidentally, I adore).
- My heart in my mouth! "He said - and gave me a kiss ...
- I was scared because they know what to think !. You do not usually act this way! ... Seeing the pictures I have run half thought I was having a fit of nostalgia and not ...
I felt sorry and love :
PERDONAME LOVE, HAS BEEN AN OVERSIGHT I did not want to scare you, just wanted you WERE PROUD OF ME!
At times this afternoon my head was telling me NO, but my heart insisted that YES .... could be achieved, should try at least ...
HAVE BEEN ALMOST TWO HOURS AND SOLO WITH A PILL TODAY AS HE GOT AND EFFORT I am rewarded!
And that effort I've done for two reasons:
The first reason ME. I have to try to be "butt" to enjoy life and the best of my life ye ALL YOU ...
And the second, which is very similar to the first, "are a more YOU , those that you are beside me and know my problem. Those who love me and are doing everything possible to help.
I KNOW THAT THE ROAD WILL BE LONG AND HARD BUT I WANT TO LEAVE THIS BACH AND BELIEVE ME IF YOU ARRIVE Seguis CLOTHING ....
THANK YOU ALL FOR HELP TO CONTINUE FIGHTING!
I LOVE YOU WITH MADNESS!
Dedicated to my parents, my husband (THANK YOU LOVE), my children, my brother, my mother, my brothers, my friends, my entire extended family, all my loved ones who are no longer here, but I know who are helping me from above with all forces.
I also want to dedicate this story to all those who, in varying degrees, suffer from agoraphobia, with a message of encouragement:
AND WE CAN GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION! We owe it to ourselves and we owe it ALL THOSE WHO WANT AND WE NEED YOU!
(NB - EVERY WORD IN THIS NARRATIVE INCLUDED IN ABSOLUTELY REAL)
